Steve and Tony
by Bombshell1701
Summary: Five times Tony Stark messed with Steve Rogers, and one time he didn't. A celebration of their bromance, with Tony being really quite naughty; poor Steve! not slash! Rated T for some adult concepts. Author's notes at the end. Feedback appreciated.


**Five Times Tony Stark Messed With Steve Rogers, And One Time He Didn't**

**Dirty, Sexy, Money**

"Okay, so with back-pay owing, long service leave, pension and other benefits, calculated to the current day with interest, this is the amount you can expect to receive." the accountant said. She wrote a series of numbers on a slip of paper and pushed it across the table for Steve to look at.

He picked it up, and couldn't help the 'o' of surprise his mouth made as his eyebrows rose.

"May I have look?" Tony asked.

Wordlessly, Steve handed Tony the slip of paper.

"That's a lot of money" Steve finally managed to say.

Tony shrugged. "It's not that much."

Steve looked at him, incredulous. "No, that's _a lot _of money, trust me."

Tony smirked "No, it's not _that_ much, trust me."

Steve's brow furrowed. "For an orphan kid from Brooklyn, that's a lot of money."

Tony grinned "For an orphan kid from Manhattan... it's really not."

Steve glared at Tony.

**Hug-of-War**

"He's not a real touchy-feely kinda' guy is he?" Tony wondered quietly.

Bruce shrugged, glancing over to where Steve was quietly doodling. "Men were different back then. They weren't encouraged to express themselves, or to be openly affectionate. And didn't he mostly grow up in a Catholic orphanage? Not a lot of affection there. At least, you'd hope not..."

"He avoids human contact... that's not healthy. Though, he doesn't seem to mind when Thor pats him on the back."

"I think we've all learned to accept good-natured pats on the back from Thor...they're better than the alternative."

"Which would be?" Tony enquired.

"Bad-natured pats on the back from Thor." Bruce said, frowning.

"He just looks like such a kicked puppy sometimes. I want to go up and hug him." Tony ventured. "I mean look at him..."

Bruce raised his eyebrows and studied Tony silently for a moment. "You should do that."

"Yeah?" Tony said, grinning.

"I dare you."

"Challenge accepted." Tony rubbed his hands together with mock glee and strode over to Steve.  
"Hey Steve, how's it going?" Tony greeted. The blonde man looked up distracted.

"I just wanted to tell you how proud we all are of you; you're making such a great effort to fit in. C'mere, give me a hug!"

Before Steve could react, Tony had hauled him to his feet. He plucked the sketchbook out of Steve's hand and tossed it aside, then enveloped the man in an enormous hug. Steve froze, stunned.

"What-?" Steve huffed out.

Tony squeezed for all he was worth. It took a moment for the shock to wear off.

"Tony- what- are- you- lemmiego!"  
Tony just held him tighter.

"I- will- hurt- you!" Steve wheezed.  
"Aww, so proud of our big, squishy teddy bear."

"Are you drunk!" Steve cried. "You're drunk aren't you? Stop- touching- me!"

Tony broke off instantly and stepped back, looking like nothing at all had happened. Steve was wide-eyed and rumpled.

"Yeah, you like hugs." Tony said conversationally, and walked off.

**Lunatic**

"Yeah, it was faked." Tony said casually.

"What?" Steve asked.

"Faked. They faked the whole thing. Needed to make America look good, I'm afraid. And it worked."

Steve stared at him. "What do you mean, faked? How could you possibly fake something like that!"

"Stanley Kubrick. You know, he directed _2001: A Space Odyssey_, that movie we watched the other week? He directed the moon landing, too. He was pretty much the brains behind it all. And NASA, of course. They had to pay off a lot of people, but I guess it was worth it... made morale in this country go way up."

Steve stared at him, a glint of horror in his eyes.

"C'mon, people on the moon? In the Sixties?" Tony shook his head sympathetically. "They barely even had computers back then. Do you really think they could pull off something _that_ scientifically ambitious?"

Steve tore his eyes away to stare at the picture of the Lunar Module in the book he was reading. "But... but... how could they lie like that? About something that huge?" he said softly.

Tony stared at him for a moment, chewing his lip thoughtfully. "I'm teasing. They didn't fake it."  
Steve's head whipped up, and he glared at Tony.

Tony raised his hands in a gesture of surrender. "It's a conspiracy theory... I didn't make that up so much... I was just messing with you."

Steve considered him. "A conspiracy theory? So, it really happened, but people think it didn't? Steve said flatly.

"Yep... there are rubes out there who think it was all BS...I know it was real because my Dad personally designed some of the components for the boosters. Stop looking at me like that! C'mon, Steve! You walk right into these things, you're just so earnest!"

Tony ducked as the book flew past his head

**Pervert**

"Got you a present." Tony said, handing a small stack of books.

"Is this _Manga_?" Steve asked, picking up one of the books and flipping through it.

"Yes. Thought you might like the artwork."

"Neat. Thank you" Steve said distractedly as he looked the book over with a studious eye. "I've heard about this stuff. Very popular in Japan."

"Yes it is."

Steve nodded and thoughtfully thumbed through the stack. He was silent for a long time, taking in the art and style.

"Uh. What?" he said suddenly. "What is _this_?"

"Which one?" Tony asked innocently.

Steve held the book up for Tony to look at.

"Oh, that. I think that's called _Hentai_. It's like Manga, just with different... themes."

"_Hentai_?"  
"Yeah. It means something along the lines of _pervert _in Japanese."

"_Pervert_?" Steve said cautiously. Steve stared at the illustrations. "What on earth is _that_?"

Tony looked over the blonde man's shoulder. "I believe that's a tentacle."

"Why is there a tentacle?"

"Probably some kind of sea-monster-squid thing."

Steve's lips had gone pale. "But... but... what is it doing to that woman?" he asked quietly.

"What does it look like it's doing?" Tony said with barely-contained mirth.

Steve gave a cry of disgust and flung the book across the room. He turned to face Tony.  
"Hentai!" he cried, pointing at Tony.

"In the sea monster's defence, the woman looked like she was enjoying herself." Tony said with a shrug.

**The Oldest Trick In The Book**

Steve walked into the room to hear Tony swearing loudly from the direction of the arc reactor.

"What's wrong?" Steve asked, walking towards him.

"Don't get too close!" Tony shouted, he continued to tinker in a distracted way. "Dammit, it's destabilising! It's about to have a cascade failure in the flux capacitor. The streams will cross."

Steve shook his head at Tony's technobabble. "What does _that _mean?"

"It means bad things, Steve. If I can't realign it in the next few minutes, we're pretty much screwed! Think, smoking crater where we're standing..."

"What can I do?" Steve asked, alarmed.

"I need a... tool. A specialised piece of equipment."

"Where?" Steve started looking around the workshop.

"I don't have one here. But there's one upstairs, I need you to run and get it. It looks like- hell, it's gonna take too long to explain. Go upstairs, find Pepper. She'll know what it is; she'll be able to get it for you. This is what you need to ask her for- listen carefully..."

Steve bolted up the stairs.

"Miss Potts!" he yelled.

"What's wrong, Steve?" Pepper asked, emerging from her home office.

"Something's wrong with the arc reactor. Tony needs something to fix it, and he sent me to get it from you. He said the arc reactor has PMS, and it needs a tampon. He said you'd have one in your bag?" Steve said earnestly.

"What?" Pepper demanded, confused.

"A tampon. That's what Tony said to tell you. He says it needs one desperately, or the arc's going to go into aeon flux. Or something. Do you understand what I'm talking about?"

Pepper looked furious. "Yes. I understand." She spun on her heels and stormed halfway down the stairs.

"_Anthony Edward Stark!_" she bellowed. "This has _GOT _to stop!"

Tony's booming laugh could be heard from the workshop.

**Paris, In the Springtime**

"Do you have a passport?" Tony asked.

"Yes. SHEILD issue me with one. Fake date-of-birth and all."

"Get it. And pack a bag for a few days. We're going on a trip."

"Where?" Steve demanded.

"Just pack some stuff. And a suit, bring a suit." He ran a quick, critical eye over the taller man "On second thoughts, don't worry. We'll get one made for you when we're there."

Tony ducked out again before Steve could say another word.

"You know, I've been here before, but it didn't look like this." Steve said quietly. His eyes were bright with wonder, a smile lit his face.

"That's because there was a war on." Tony said. "I've seen pictures. Everything looked like hell."

"You're not joking." Steve looked around; The Champs Elysee was bustling; tourists and native Parisiennes alike were out in droves, enjoying the balmy spring afternoon. The trees that lined the famous avenue were in full leaf. The sun was sparkling down on them. From where he stood, Steve could see to the Arc de Triomphe, and if he looked the other way, the courtyard of the Louvre.

He shook his head. "Amazing the difference a few decades makes. I always wanted to come to Paris- you know, typical romantic art student dream. When I finally got here... it was desolate. It had just been liberated, the people and been through so much. Most of them couldn't even smile anymore. Places were boarded up, buildings shelled out, destruction everywhere. I swear the sun didn't even want to start shining again. It was heartbreaking."

"The Louvre would have been shut up, too." Tony said.

"It was. All the valuable paintings, everything they could protect was packed up and taken away."

"So how about we check it out now?"

Steve grinned at him. "You read my mind."

"You bet I did." Tony said. He handed Steve the shopping bag he'd been carrying. Steve peeked inside to see a sketchbook, pencils and pastels. His expression shifted to gratitude.

"I figured you'd want to play art student and do some sketching." Tony said casually.

Steve shook his head, lost for words. "This is... this is perfect," he finally managed. "Getting to see Paris in all her glory. Finally. Thank you for bringing me here."

Tony shrugged. "I like Paris, hadn't been in a while. It was a good excuse to visit. It's good to be able to show you that _some _things got better..."

Steve looked away and swallowed hard.

"Oh, give me a big man-hug, you turkey!" Tony burst out. He grabbed Steve into an awkward hug before the other man could react. Steve tensed up, but then laughed, and embraced Tony, slapping him on the back. They parted and looked away from each other.

"Okay. Well." Tony said clearing his throat. "If we hurry, we might only have to line up for a few hours to get a look at _La Joconde_."

"Or- we could skip the _Mona Lisa_; go straight to the Rococo artists... Lots of lovely female nudes in that collection..."

"Now you're reading _my_mind" Tony said, slapping his friend on the back.

_Fin_

… … …

_Author's notes: By semi-popular request, here is some Tony & Steve bromance, long overdue! Thank you to Ventorum & Voiceofdisbelief for looking this over, and laughing in the right places! Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, or any of the movies that Tony sneakily references, and I gain nothing but twisted satisfaction from posting this. I really do love feedback, though, so please take a moment to comment, thanks!_

_Also, I don't believe the moon landing was faked, but I once dated someone who did. That was a relationship doomed to fail. _


End file.
